[four_fifth]
The candles were lit.
The parchment was stacked.
The Guild Hall was eerily quiet.
“At least now I can try to catch up on some work,” muttered the Guild Loremaster.
Work indeed. Quietly, the Guild Loremaster feared carpal tunnel injuries attempting to properly record all the exploits that have already come to pass, let alone those that aren’t yet.
“Whoever said that the quill is mightier than the sword never saw Jora and Murakai’s Blade,” continued the Loremaster.
The Guild Loremaster began talking to himself aloud; this is not new behavior, there just is not anyone around to notice.
“The Search for the-“ He began.
“No no no…” He argued.
“The Hoolequin Henchman in the Epic-“ He roared.
“No no no…” He argued again.
“The Hoolequin Island of Misfit Buildren!” He Yelled!
The echoes of his own voice scared him, and he took a sip of his prized Aged Dwarven Ale.
“[expletive deleted] I need to turn the graphics effects off after some of this,” he agreed with himself.
He paused in mild confusion, then shook his head and carried on…aloud.
“The Hoolequin Island of Misfit Buildren are dedicated henchman with discarded builds, those no longer worthy to serve as the heart and soul [but not the brains] of the might that is Hoolequin. Rather than death, the Misfit Buildren are given seemingly impossible tasks in an effort to prove their usefulness and move up to the starting team.” He wrote as he spoke.
Another sip of ale, followed by a big gulp.
“If dwarves drank stout, would that be irony or fitting?” The Loremaster momentarily distracted himself.
“I need to stop with all these tangents, it’s no wonder no one will cosine [co-sign] stating-“ he punned and interrupted himself.
The Guild Loremaster then realized he was making a joke to the darkness. He thought of making a magic missile joke, but got back to his parchment.
“The Buildren who are so cursed that they are simply forgotten by Crysania and Crew are assigned the death-quest of Obtaining The Holy Grail.”
“Death-quest may be a bit brutal, no?” He asked himself rhetorically.
“It is unknown how many of these unseen servants of Hoolequin have perished in the search. It is tragic these Children of the Build spend their last days scouring places already mapped, turning stones with still-warm fingerprints. There is no glory in this quest, or is there?”
The Loremaster sipped from his empty cup, muttered about ‘cup’s not big enough’ and returned to his quill.
“Members of the 7th Circle of the Island of the Misfit Buildren, The Nameless, they are the story today.”
“…remind me to edit that later” He declared firmly.
“The Nameless were determined to fulfill their quest. The Nameless were determine to prove their critics wrong. They were going to earn their name.”
“sounds like a template for success to me” He proclaimed, thinking how strangely fitting that was.
“The Nameless found many interesting items in their search: The Ring of Power, The Dragonlance, The Varia Suit, The 1-Up Mushroom, but no grail.”
“I wonder if Crysania ever secretly tried on the Varia Suit…” Another distraction.
“They had come close though. They had found The Chalice of Pseudopiousness. No grail.”
“What a name, glad I don’t have to make this stuff up.” Sighed the Loremaster.
“The Buildren Nameless were desperate, what else must they do? They learned the intricate art of handwavium. They advanced through alchemy enough to create mithril. They even played the damn ocarina, but no grail.”
“…if all else fails, play…well…ya” He reminisced.
“They were vexed, and often hexed. They motivated [shouts] each other, and protected [prayers] each other, but no grail.”
Another sip of his ale – skipping the cup and reaching for the source.
“They even tried buying a cheap knockoff in Kamadan from an American District. Too bad it said “Made in Kaineng” on the bottom.”
“and boy was Crysania angry.” He shuddered with the memory.
“They learned to spike, they learned pressure. They learned that death was only temporary. No grail.”
“One day, they decided to look where the Scepter of Orr was found. Why not, right?”
“yeah, because THAT makes sense” mused the Loremaster.
“Lo and Behold-“
“what the name of grenth does that mean anyway?” Asked the Loremaster, engrossed in this work.
“Lo and Behold, there it was. The Holy Grail. One of the Buildren was so excited, he force-choked one of the other nameless.”
“…because someone around here always seems to be getting force-choked.” He said, matter-of-factly.
“The excitement ended soon after. One of the Buildren picked up the grail and began to weep. The Holy Grail was a green item. Requires 9 Divine Favor. Half Recharge Time of Healing Prayers chance 10% and Energy +5. The skin was lame, and the color didn’t match anyone’s attire.”
He refilled his cup.
“The Buildren took the arduous journey of map-travelling ALL the way back to the guild hall to turn in the ‘precious’ artifact.”
“Precious alright, said in the same manner that a one-armed asuran warrior is ‘special’” he said with mild amusement.
“As expected, Crysania’s spirits were dampened.”
“and I’ve learned not to mess with HER spirits” he declared triumphantly.
“While even Dwayna needs to smite a bitch from time to time, Crysania acknowledged the work that the Inner Circles of the Island of Misfit Buildren, the Nameless, had done. She released them to fulfill a more meaningful task, like keeping Balreth’s gloves and axe nice and bloody.”
“gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die” sang the Loremaster.
“Crysania had the Holy Grail, but had no use of it. So she gave it to the Guild Loremaster, and she commanded that he find something to do with it. He did.”
“…and I indeed did.” He said before he smiled to himself.
The Hoolequin Loremaster then took another sip from his cup.
“Beer never tasted so good.” He reflected, satisfied at the multiple meanings of that phrase.
[/four_fifth]
[one_fifth_last]
Story #5
13 Apr 2010
Notes: Enter Dandd Polyhedron! Although he hasn’t been named yet.
Jora and Murakai’s Blade made Balreth drool for quite some time.
References: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer [TV]
D&D [8 Bit] The Dead Ale Wives
Holy Grail Mythos
Dante’s Inferno
Lord of the Rings
Dragonlance
Metroid
Super Mario Bros.
The Legend of Zelda
Blood Upon the Risers
[/one_fifth_last]