[three_fourth]
Henchman 1: Crysania’s busy building Quinhalla II. She is teaching some of us how to help her build the portal network between the clan hubs and Quinhalla. I think we can become heroes using this technology.
Henchman 2 is excited: Ooh! Wait. This sounds like another scam.
Henchman 3: Totally, dood. Haven’t we tried enough quick-rich-quick @#$%?
Henchman 1: Fine. I’ll go into the past, and join all the successful missions. By the time I come back to the present, I’ll be WAY ahead of both of you.
Henchman 2: @#$% you, dood! If you’re going, I’m going.
Henchman 3 sighs painfully: I’m going to regret this either way.
Henchman 1: The biggest thing Crysania hasn’t talked about is the power source.
Henchman 3: You know what? I’m out. I’m not messing with Quantum Mistanics. We could end up as raptor food with no pants on.
Henchman 1: What about pants?
Henchman 2 nods confusedly.
Henchman 3: Nevermind. /bamf
Henchman 2: Fine! You’ll ALWAYS be a henchman.
Henchman 1 strikes a defiant pose as well.
Henchman 1 begins unfolding his notes and begins planning how to get the materials.
—
Henchman 3 stormed off immediately to Crysania’s Tower. ‘We don’t need to blow up the second Quinhalla before it’s even built’ muttered the henchman to himself.
Dandd was sitting outside of Wiki munching on some fresh fruit that Jeni brought back, and saw the henchman walking with purpose.
Dandd: What’s the hurry?
Henchman 3: @#$%ed henchmen trying to jury-rig a wormhole to raise their guild status.
Dandd dropped his fruit, half-eaten: WHAT?!
Henchman 3 stopped begrudgingly: One of the Henchmen on Crysania’s portal team is trying to create his own so he can go into the past and something-or-other and poof! Hero. Maybe even Legend. I doubt God though, he’s not that dumb.
Dandd rises quickly, and barks: WHERE?!
Henchman 3 leaps backwards in fright: In the abandoned forests way out of the way on the Fortress Island.
Dandd sighs in frustration: Can’t leave you guys alone for one day? Balreth is going to stab you himself, or what’s left of you.
Henchman 3: But see, that’s what I’m talking about! Now The Empress will send The Duke after the rest of us, and he’ll go totally sickhouse on our asses. I LIKE my ass, gentlemen.
Dandd: Go report to Crysania. I’ll track them down. Fortress Island?
Henchman 3: Yes. In the Shadow of Zeal.
Dandd /facepalm: Idiots.
Henchman 3: Does this mean I’m getting my wings?
Dandd: No.
Henchman 3: Ugh! I’m never gonna get those wings.
Dandd: Someday Speedy. Someday.
Dandd grabs nothing, but sets off for White Base with speed; the latest adventure beneath the Menagerie stirred up his adventuring spirit again.
As Dandd leaves earshot, he thought he heard the Henchman arguing with Crysania’s Air-Krewe about entrance to her Tower.
—
Walking around the Forests on the same island as, but not really close to, the Fortress, Dandd heads for the spot closest to Zeal. As he approaches, the sounds of busy henchmen become clear.
Henchman 1: No, no no! Only the Monk Quinzie has a mouth. Weren’t you paying attention? Now do it again, and do it right!
Henchman 2: What about you? Those don’t look like equilateral triangles. You’re going to get us killed.
Henchman 372: What about a power source?
Henchman 209: Well, what’s the most powerful thing we can find?
Dandd, with authority: Crysania’s Anger!
Half the Henchman trip over themselves, completely startled.
Henchman 1 stares at Dandd blankly: Why would the Quin Monarch come all the way down here?
Dandd: You’re probably wondering why I’m here. I’m here because you done @#$%ed up too many times! You think you’re hot @#$% in a champagne glass, but you’re really cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup! And if you keep up like you’ve been doing, into the mists is where you’re headed.
Henchman 2 growls: @#$%ing Henchman 3…
Henchman 43 starts giggling.
Dandd: Oh that’s funny to you, right? Cause you’re so @#$%in’ bad? I know your type. You think ‘I’ll just join me an Order, rip off the neighborhood Quin.’ Next thing you know, you’ve got a focus-item shaped like a skull with lasers on the front.
Henchman 29: This is totally gay.
Dandd: What!? Ya think this is gay, hah? Is that what you @#$%in’ said you scrawny piece of @#$%? Oh this isn’t gay. But La Chad over there is! And I bet he just can’t wait to snap off a piece of your @#$% in his @$$! You! Don’t look up! I said get the don’t look the #@$% up!! What’s your name?
Henchman 1 puffs out his chest: Henchman-
Dandd: Your name is b!tch!! And I own you. You’re property! And when I’m tired of watching Balreth shove his arrow in every hole the six gods drilled in your slender frame – I’ll sell you to Lalandra, for a single gold piece. AND I DON’T NEED MONEY!
Henchman 1 steels his resolve: I will not remain a Henchman forever.
Dandd fires back: No, you’ll end up like Spike.
Henchman 1 scoffs: Do you see a bottle in my hand, or some mysterious organic substance lying around.
Dandd stares menacingly at Henchman 1: …and do you know WHY he does that?
Henchman 1 rolls his eyes: yeah, yeah, Mt. Nevermind or some such myth.
Dandd’s fury explodes internally, but his years of dealing with punk kids and munchkins ensure he makes his will-save with ease.
Henchman 2: I dunno, Dood. This is a story I want to hear.
Henchmen 372 and 209 agree, loudly.
Henchman 1: Fine. What happened at Mt. Whatever?
Dandd: Mt. NEVERMIND. NE-VER-MIND.
Henchman 1 scoffs with attitude.
Henchman 2 sits down: So…don’t dwarves live there?
Dandd: Cousins.
Henchman 372 sits down as well: Cousins?
Dandd calms down a bit: The Gnomes. Think of them as dwarves with books instead of hammers.
Henchman 209 sits as well: Now that I can understand.
Dandd: Gnomes, in sufficient numbers, are like Mad Asurans.
Henchman 2: Wait. Mad?
Dandd nods: These Gnomes, in particular, are serious engineers and inventors and scholars and all manner of academics. The problem is, they are – shall we say – a wee bit unorthodox from our methods.
Henchman 1 /shoo Dandd, and resumes his work: alone.
Henchman 372 pales: When *Dandd* says ‘unorthodox.’
Henchman 209 becomes nervous as well.
Dandd: Gnomes wanted to travel through time as well. They wanted to recover their history, and answer the unanswerable.
Henchman 1: Let me guess, they blew off the mountain with all that power or some lame story.
Dandd: No. Fortunately it didn’t get that far.
Henchman 1 cops more attitude and gets ignored.
Dandd: The Gnomes wore these special cone-shaped hats. Most thought it was just a cultural thing, but they managed to capture the energies given off by those in proximity and store them for later use.
Henchman 2: Head-mounted Batteries?
Dandd nodded.
Henchman 209: Dood! I want one, with a shooty-laser-bow-thing…
Henchman 372: Ya! I want one, with a shooty-laser-bow-things too!
Henchman 209: Stops copies me.
Dandd cleared his throat loudly.
Henchman 2: So what did they do with all this energy?
Dandd: They made a time travel device, a working wormhole.
Henchman 1 was listening intently, while pretending not to.
Dandd: But they didn’t volunteer any of their own. They were going to test out on a prisoner first.
Henchman 209: No…
Dandd nodded knowingly: Spike was accused of stealing some Gnomish treasure, and was imprisoned until he could ‘remember’ where it was.
Henchman 372: Did he?
Dandd: Knowing the Gnomes? Or…Spike for that matter… Who knows?
Henchman 2: So Spike was thrown into the Wormhole?
Dandd: Yes.
Henchman 209: And he made it! Let’s go!
Dandd: Not quite.
Henchman 372: Always a catch.
Dandd: Anyone been around Bip when he really gets excited?
Henchman 2 groans: Ow. That screeching! Hurts my ears.
Dandd: Exactly. The Gnomes threw Spike 10 years into the past, and the feedback from things way beyond your feeble henchmen brains killed him on the spot.
Henchman 1 heard enough: Liar, he’s still walking around.
Dandd glares at Henchman 1: Spike lived in that constant state of Temporal Feedback Lawno for 10 years, until the past Spike caught up with the Spike that was about to be thrown in, at which point the wormhole exploded and decimated a few Gnomes and the Lab. Spike, in some ways, was lucky to survive.
Henchman 2 was crying his eyes out.
Henchman 372 eyes water as well: The next round is on me…
Henchman 209: Me too.
Henchman 1 looks at Dandd, helplessly: So Spike is a Time-Travelling PTSD Victim?
Dandd nods: That’s one way of putting it.
All the Henchmen’s jaws were on the dirt. Their newfound respect of Spike sent them into an awe-struck state.
Henchman 2, weakly, gazed up at Dandd: …wait…Spike was a Facet Spirit of Crysania…
Dandd nods.
Henchman 1: That means –Crysania- is the PTSD Victim.
The Henchmen’s eyes all widened in painful realization.
Henchman 372: Maybe that’s when her Spirit was ripped from her body…
Henchman 209: So… the Underworld was the power source?
Henchman 2 has trouble speaking: She is always scouting for us. Maybe something went wrong…
The Henchmen, almost in unison, turned to their half-constructed device and tore it into irreparable shreds.
Henchman 1: So does Crysania remember that?
Dandd shrugs: Who knows. It’s not like she would ever talk about it anyway.
Henchman 2: Even if she doesn’t – Spike probably does.
Henchman 209: I’d be even crazier if I died for 10 years straight…
Henchman 372: Preach it.
Henchman 1: Wait. If we’re here… Who’s helping make sure Quinhalla’s portals won’t do that?
All the Henchmen look at each other with looks of terror, before sprinting towards White Base.
The Henchmen: CRYSANIA!!!
Dandd stands amidst the rubble, trying to sort everything out in his head.
Dandd sighs: Henchmen…
[/three_fourth]
[one_fourth_last]
Episode (68)
18 Jan 2012
References: The Venture Bros., Guild History, Metalocalypse, Dragonlance.
[/one_fourth_last]